Whatever's left.

I'm in this place where I feel like I've lost everything. (a rather disconcerting feeling, if you wanted to know) and since I am one greatly driven by feelings...

Here I am, with what seems to be nothing left.

Of course if I made stock of it all, and laid out the contents of my heart on this very kitchen table that my computer is resting on, I'm sure I would find many blessings to be thankful for, and much to keep my hands filled with.

But until I get to that point, I need to address this emotional bankruptcy I find myself in. Words can't really fully describe a lot of it, except that I know I don't belong here, and I'm trying so hard to succeed, which right now means not breaking, but that's too late. You see I keep literally getting lost and wandering around, which reminds me of how displaced I really am. Will it always be this way? Why did I choose to come here? Why do we ever choose these "life changing experiences," knowing even before we begin that the comfortable and happy life we've known won't quite be the same again. But maybe that's it - comfortable and happy are boring, and discontentment follows us no matter which side you're on (and goodness knows I thought for sure it would be greener in Ireland)...

Is it possible to make really close friends with people in a year? Enough to be a witness to them? Enough to feel like this year was a success? (I'm still trying to figure out what I mean by success) And meanwhile, I'm realizing that I've left my good friends back home, and it won't be the same when I return. People keep saying to be patient with myself and to trust and to be thankful, but it's harder than just those words neatly strung together.
I'm frustrated that things keep going up and down - one day I'm pleased as a button to be here, and the next I'm unraveling and feeling quite vulnerable about being so exposed.

In these down times, I'm mostly afraid that somehow I heard wrong and God didn't want me here, or it turns out I'm not strong enough to be used by Him.

I wrote this real big in my journal a few days ago:

‎"My grace is Sufficient for you, for my Power is made perfect in weakness."

I think I'll go bring God an offering of worship, squeeze out whatever's left to him.