God Provides.

SARA LEE NOW HAS A PART TIME JOB!

yay! =) story to follow... soon.

Grrr.

SARA LEE REALLY NEEDS A PART-TIME JOB!
(and for the exchange rate to go down)
(and to eat more regularly)
(and to trust)

In the Whirlwind

There's something of a windstorm outside. Every few minutes it pushes past, so that it would seem my house's stomach was rumbling rather rudely.
My fingers are cold, but more than that, I'm quite amazed that my Internet is at Full Throttle right now.
Is it shameful that this simple yet frequently unreliable amenity drives me to exhaustion with frustration? It's no one's fault, except maybe my computer's.
Today my jobless status made me want to cry, then made me want to hyperventilate, (which I can spell correctly now) then made me laugh, then made me weep uncontrollably.
Maybe it's not just that. Maybe it's that I'm stuck in a muck of anxiety and I-miss-yous and wondering why I decided to go so far from home. Why did I decide to leave all the people and places I love?
Because there is more to the world than everything I know in Seattle.
Because Ireland is beautiful and green and an adventure.
Because I needed to grow up at some point.
Because I wanted this so much.
Because God said so.

Deep breath. okay.
So, the funny thing is that I love it here and I hate it here. I hate that I hate it here, but I can't seem to stop wrestling with my fears and stop being so stressed about getting it all down right. Ok, hate's a bit too strong of a word, (so don't quote me on that).. I guess I just feel lost. I think, "a job will solve all my problems," but at the same time, I want the Right job, which is specifically clean, non-embarrassing, will somehow be a step-up in my long-term career goals, plays to my strengths, deals with people, pays well and is quite possibly impossible to get. (thus the feeling of utter despair) And then the realization that I have to throw out my pride and settle for whatever, and trust that God will make beauty out of anything, because I know he can.
I know that it's in the struggle that we grow the most. And I know, at least I've heard, that what I'm feeling is all relatively normal.. but maybe people just have a better way of hiding it than I do (which is really quite possible since I have trouble enough in hide and go seek, despite my smallness)...

I was reading Henri Nouwen this evening, mostly because he knows so much about loneliness and fear and not belonging that I almost always feel like he knows exactly what I'm going through. I'll share with you:

"You are constantly facing choices. The question is whether you choose for God or for your own doubting-self. You know what the right choice is, but your emotions, passions, and feelings keep suggesting you choose the self-rejecting way.
The root choice is to trust at all times that God is with you and will give you what you most need. Your self-rejecting emotions might say, "It isn't going to work. I'm still suffering the same anguish I did six months ago..." And so on. It is hard not to listen to these voices. Still, you know that these are not God's voice. God says to you, "I love you, I am with you, I want to see you come closer to me and experience the joy and peace of my presence. I want to give you a new heart and a new spirit. I want you to speak with my mouth, see with my eyes, hear with my ears, touch with my hands. All that is mine is yours. Just trust me and let me be your God."
This is the voice to listen to. And that listening requires a real choice, not just once in a while, but every moment of each day and night. It is you who decides what you think, say, and do. You can think yourself into a depression, you can talk yourself into low self-esteem, you can act in a self-rejecting way. But you always have a choice to think, speak, and act in the name of God and so move toward the Light, the Truth, and the Life."      - Nouwen

I find that as in Job's case, it is in the whirlwind that God speaks most clearly.

Shock Waves (nourishment is important)

Stacey’s having me read a number of books, which is actually rather helpful. =) One highlights the symptoms of culture shock.
The funny thing is, I remember taking notes from my Living in Another Culture class that I took 2 years ago, and it must have been the same content exactly. But then it was so sterile- just simply words that my dear professor was explaining.
Now to be in it. I see the difference in learning something theoretically verses going through the very steps yourself. goodness. I was reading it Tuesday night, and was like - this is why I am feeling this way! This means I'm not the only one! This means I'm Normal! Anyway, but I wanted to share it, so maybe others would understand what it's been like a little to be in a new culture. Whether or not we even realize it, when we grow up in a place, we learn all these clues and rules about how to interact with people, how to operate, but it's all done silently, so a lot of times, you can't even fully articulate it... but when you go to a new culture, all the rules are different:
"These signs and clues include the thousand and one ways in which we orient ourselves to the situations of daily life: when to shake hands and what to say when we meet people, when and how to give tips, how to make purchases, when to accept and when to refuse invitations, when to take statements seriously and when not...
...being continually put into a position in which you are expected to function with maximum skill and speed but where the rules have not been adequately explained..." (... is REALLY hard!)
The book went on to describe the overall symptoms of culture shock:
anxiety
homesickness
boredom
depression
fatigue
confusion
self-doubt
feelings of inadequacy
unexplained fits of weeping
paranoia
physical ailments and psychosomatic illnesses. 
(in addition, signs of withdrawal symptoms or aggressive symptoms will also occur.)
I kind of hope that things will start evening out now, and I'll be starting to adjust. But I'm not sure how long it will take. I guess I'm also concerned about losing touch with friends back home, and the fear of being replaced is sometimes overwhelming.
Today when I had to find the bus stop and crossing the streets was fairly terrifying, I kept saying to myself, This is an Adventure. This is an Adventure. And somehow, that actually helped. I'm only going to be here for a year, so I don't want to be stuck too long in the down slope of culture shock. I have kind of already decided that I'm going to look back on this year and call it one of the best experiences of my life, because it's been so good to see another part of the world, to meet new people and take risks, and be stretched, and grow like a tall and healthy sunflower. =)
Lately, the tipping point(s) or most frustrating things for me have been that my Internet just stops working at about 10pm every evening (which would be prime time for talking with people back home...) The other thing is getting around without a car. and the third has been eating right (I had a bad experience with making an omelet and it not tasting like it should), and the fourth has been not hibernating in my room (which is so easy to do!) but spending time with people. The fifth is figuring out what people actually mean, reading cues and such and not feeling too out of place.
I think i'll go try to make some food now. =) Nourishment is important.

The day I almost died.

A year is going to go by so fast, so they say.
Waiting for the bus with no hood in the pouring rain... makes that year go by much, much slower though.
Tuesday marked my 3 week "anniversary" (basically I'm in a juvenile relationship with this green country, where we're awkward and hopeful and desperately counting every second together, pretending it's been forever or so)
Gosh I have so much to learn.
I went to my first interview in another country today. The plan was that I'd be a half hour early or so and have loads of time in getting there. I was perhaps most nervous about that, because on the phone, the manager seemed amazed that I was even going to try to travel by bus, "how are you going to make that work?" she kept asking, "I don't know if it will even be worth it to come in for an interview..." After stammering awkwardly on the phone, I replied, "well, I'll see how long it takes and give it a try.."

So, the plan was, take the 1:10 bus to get there by 2. However, it didn't come to my stop until 1:33. I sat nervously for all 15 minutes of the bus ride, trying real hard to remember when to get off. Once I did, Stacey gave me instructions: Okay, walk under the bridge, then go straight up the hill for a while 'till you see the Costa. 

Okay. 

So I went, but then all of a sudden, the sidewalk just ended! I tried - all right, I'll just walk on the grass... but then there was a busy road, and still no sidewalk on the other side, only a hill that would be harder to walk on. I had to cross to the other side of the street, 4 lanes of fairly heavy traffic.

I am going to die. 

And if I was dead, that would mean I'd be late for my interview. Jon's interview advice echoed in ominously: when someone comes late for an interview at my shop, we just disregard them entirely. 

But every time I stepped out, cars kept coming. 

I am going to die. 

Tears. This is impossible, why is everything I try to do so impossible? I went back to where the sidewalk ended, and just decided to go. Just went for it. 

Somehow, I managed to not die, and running down the street, I made it to my interview. It took 15-minutes to run/walk there. And I arrived at 2:01. The manager, Anna asked if I wanted some coffee, and she gave me 5 minutes to wait. I didn’t die, and the interview seemed to go fairly well. So, we’ll see. I’d love to work there, I really would. She said she’d call me on Monday to tell me what she decided. It would only be for Christmas season, unless someone quit or moved, so we’ll see.

I’ve had a series of good days this week, which off-set the low ones (this seems to be the trend for me)

I’ve been enjoying getting to know my roommates (I’m in the sitting room with them now, watching Irish Rugby, which is happy) and connecting with other BUNAC people (like I’ve had meals with a couple of sweet girls this week, which has been lovely, since we’re all in similar situations.)

 I find that if I actually initiate with people in saying “Hi,” or “how are you,” or “gosh, it’s been rainy today!” People actually respond to me and chat awhile. I am learning a powerful thing: I am not totally alone, and most people have opinions or thoughts to share. I am enjoying being a listener.

I think the first couple of weeks, I put immense pressure on myself: I should talk to every person I come in contact with, I shouldn’t be so sad, I should be out meeting people all the time, or else I am doing a poor job of being here, I should, I should I should...

Phil and Cheryl and Stacey and Jon have helped a lot. Be patient with yourself. We are under grace, after all. Be in prayer, instead of trying to carry it all on your own shoulders (since that’s impossible to bear alone).

I really do love it here. The people are pretty friendly, especially when you initiate. Like the other day on the bus, I started chatting with the lady next to me, and she told me all about places to go in Dublin and about her family. Before leaving, she gave me her number and was like, call me and I'll show you around. 

The trees have begun to change colors. There’s a certain smell in the air, whenever I go walking in the evening – it’s of peat burning, a really thick scent that fills your lungs quickly. I know I’m going to miss it when I have to leave in a year.

A year is going to go by so fast. Almost 4 weeks in now.