In the Whirlwind

There's something of a windstorm outside. Every few minutes it pushes past, so that it would seem my house's stomach was rumbling rather rudely.
My fingers are cold, but more than that, I'm quite amazed that my Internet is at Full Throttle right now.
Is it shameful that this simple yet frequently unreliable amenity drives me to exhaustion with frustration? It's no one's fault, except maybe my computer's.
Today my jobless status made me want to cry, then made me want to hyperventilate, (which I can spell correctly now) then made me laugh, then made me weep uncontrollably.
Maybe it's not just that. Maybe it's that I'm stuck in a muck of anxiety and I-miss-yous and wondering why I decided to go so far from home. Why did I decide to leave all the people and places I love?
Because there is more to the world than everything I know in Seattle.
Because Ireland is beautiful and green and an adventure.
Because I needed to grow up at some point.
Because I wanted this so much.
Because God said so.

Deep breath. okay.
So, the funny thing is that I love it here and I hate it here. I hate that I hate it here, but I can't seem to stop wrestling with my fears and stop being so stressed about getting it all down right. Ok, hate's a bit too strong of a word, (so don't quote me on that).. I guess I just feel lost. I think, "a job will solve all my problems," but at the same time, I want the Right job, which is specifically clean, non-embarrassing, will somehow be a step-up in my long-term career goals, plays to my strengths, deals with people, pays well and is quite possibly impossible to get. (thus the feeling of utter despair) And then the realization that I have to throw out my pride and settle for whatever, and trust that God will make beauty out of anything, because I know he can.
I know that it's in the struggle that we grow the most. And I know, at least I've heard, that what I'm feeling is all relatively normal.. but maybe people just have a better way of hiding it than I do (which is really quite possible since I have trouble enough in hide and go seek, despite my smallness)...

I was reading Henri Nouwen this evening, mostly because he knows so much about loneliness and fear and not belonging that I almost always feel like he knows exactly what I'm going through. I'll share with you:

"You are constantly facing choices. The question is whether you choose for God or for your own doubting-self. You know what the right choice is, but your emotions, passions, and feelings keep suggesting you choose the self-rejecting way.
The root choice is to trust at all times that God is with you and will give you what you most need. Your self-rejecting emotions might say, "It isn't going to work. I'm still suffering the same anguish I did six months ago..." And so on. It is hard not to listen to these voices. Still, you know that these are not God's voice. God says to you, "I love you, I am with you, I want to see you come closer to me and experience the joy and peace of my presence. I want to give you a new heart and a new spirit. I want you to speak with my mouth, see with my eyes, hear with my ears, touch with my hands. All that is mine is yours. Just trust me and let me be your God."
This is the voice to listen to. And that listening requires a real choice, not just once in a while, but every moment of each day and night. It is you who decides what you think, say, and do. You can think yourself into a depression, you can talk yourself into low self-esteem, you can act in a self-rejecting way. But you always have a choice to think, speak, and act in the name of God and so move toward the Light, the Truth, and the Life."      - Nouwen

I find that as in Job's case, it is in the whirlwind that God speaks most clearly.