Whatever's left.

I'm in this place where I feel like I've lost everything. (a rather disconcerting feeling, if you wanted to know) and since I am one greatly driven by feelings...

Here I am, with what seems to be nothing left.

Of course if I made stock of it all, and laid out the contents of my heart on this very kitchen table that my computer is resting on, I'm sure I would find many blessings to be thankful for, and much to keep my hands filled with.

But until I get to that point, I need to address this emotional bankruptcy I find myself in. Words can't really fully describe a lot of it, except that I know I don't belong here, and I'm trying so hard to succeed, which right now means not breaking, but that's too late. You see I keep literally getting lost and wandering around, which reminds me of how displaced I really am. Will it always be this way? Why did I choose to come here? Why do we ever choose these "life changing experiences," knowing even before we begin that the comfortable and happy life we've known won't quite be the same again. But maybe that's it - comfortable and happy are boring, and discontentment follows us no matter which side you're on (and goodness knows I thought for sure it would be greener in Ireland)...

Is it possible to make really close friends with people in a year? Enough to be a witness to them? Enough to feel like this year was a success? (I'm still trying to figure out what I mean by success) And meanwhile, I'm realizing that I've left my good friends back home, and it won't be the same when I return. People keep saying to be patient with myself and to trust and to be thankful, but it's harder than just those words neatly strung together.
I'm frustrated that things keep going up and down - one day I'm pleased as a button to be here, and the next I'm unraveling and feeling quite vulnerable about being so exposed.

In these down times, I'm mostly afraid that somehow I heard wrong and God didn't want me here, or it turns out I'm not strong enough to be used by Him.

I wrote this real big in my journal a few days ago:

‎"My grace is Sufficient for you, for my Power is made perfect in weakness."

I think I'll go bring God an offering of worship, squeeze out whatever's left to him.

8 legged Squirrels

I've been on something of a roller coaster ever since I decided this is what I needed to do... which is funny, because most times when I think of doing God's will, I think it must come naturally and without any snags or doubts or tears.
I had more than a grand day on Saturday. It was the first day the Covells were gone, and I was enjoying the luxury of being free to decide what I wanted to do; I could clean or read or make lunch or go for a walk; it felt good (even though I miss having people here at the same time).
In the afternoon I meandered over to my new house to drop off my deposit. Audrey and her brother Luke were there, and she invited me to tea. Stacey had advised me before that it is culturally polite to refuse at first.. but it made me a little nervous to do it, since I really wanted the tea! But I said no thanks, and sure enough, she offered again. I was really excited it worked! : ) I really enjoyed hanging out with them that day; they were gracious about me asking, "what does that mean?" and explaining things to me. They asked me a bunch of questions too like where I'm from and such. I was amused even just saying, "Mukilteo" to them. Luke ended up looking it up on Google maps/street view and was virtually walking around my home town, which was cool that they were interested.
Audrey had collected a bunch of "conkers" or chestnuts for a traditional Halloween game they play. There were a bunch on her bed and she and Luke were picking through them, looking quite like squirrels.
me: (gasping excitedly) Do you have squirrels here?
Luke: Oh sure we do, but they have 8 legs here.
=)
Earlier, I was hoping and praying that I could be myself around my new roommates and here in Ireland in general. I think I still hope for that, but I was realizing that I would rather be more Christ like then just myself, because the character of Christ brings out the best in us, I believe.
The thing is, I really don't want to be making projects out of people, or have an agenda. I just want to get to know people and still live out my faith and be praying.

Yesterday Audrey called me up and asked if i wanted to go to the zoo with them, her and Luke and Amy and Connor (two of the other roommates, there're two others I still haven't met) And I gladly accepted the offer - how sweet of them to include me! Anyway, I just got back from the Dublin Zoo, and I will only say two things, because I ravenously hungry right now - it's 8pm and I have yet to cook up some dinner!
Item #1: There was an island in a grand lake that had monkeys on it, but it was crazy - there was nothing to separate you from the monkeys but a river and a low fence.
Item #2: Also, I love dogs, children, and am looking forward to getting to know my roommates better, but I'm still at the awkward getting to know you phase with them; sometimes I get quiet in groups of people larger than 3. hm..

Tomorrow I'm going early into Dublin to wait in a huge line in order to get my Garda immigration card (since i'm an alien) It's supposed to rain tomorrow. And the stomach is rumbling. God is good.

Disneyland for Adults

Maybe I've told you this before, but I really like grocery shopping.
There's something about buying large quantities of food that'll last you days and days of happy lunches and dinners and snacks and breakfasts and only cost the same as going out to eat maybe 3 times, depending. I also really enjoying browsing all the different options, and all the colors and visual stimulus, and creative advertising and getting to swivel around with carts and plan out food you'll get to eat -- oh man. haha! It's super fun with other people too, because thinking about food brings up so many good stories and memories, and it can be a sort of fun scavenger hunt of sorts!...
So, today I went grocery shopping in Ireland since, you know, that's where I live now.
Stacey took me to Tesco's, the same huge store in which I got lost in their parking lot the other day. yeah.
But this was good, because I was actually grocery shopping not job hunting. The carts were all hooked up, and you had to put a 20 cent coin to unlatch one from the others. Stacey said this was to discourage people from stealing them, because you wouldn't get your coin back until you re-latched it. Thinking about it now, and recalling the two grocery carts that sat in our car port last year for so long ... this seems like a great scheme, but also it's not That high of collateral, really. But then again I was pretty excited to get my 20 cents at the end of the day. It sort of felt like a game too - placing your coin into the slot and then snapping it in the lock so that you could play the wonderful grocery shopping game!
I've been relating a lot of new things to playing games or amusement rides. It makes me laugh to think of how many things I've said, "Wow, it's just like Disneyland!" because after all Disneyland is the supreme example of a happy time. (actually...=) I kind of feel like adults need their own versions of Disneyland in this world... Double Decker buses (as long as the windows in the upper level aren't totally fogged in the morning and you can actually see out and don't get Terribly car sick, er bus sick...) um.. are really marvelous creatures. They are a prime example of Disneyland-esque rides that I've experienced lately.

Besides grocery shopping, other notable new developments in my life are that I decided on a place to live! It's the house that, as soon as I read the description on the ad at www.daft.com, I really wanted to live there. Here's what the ad said::

The property is a large Detached property it is very private, it has a lovely garden with a terrace, 3 mins walk to the village, shops, pubs, bus, Confey train is 8 mins walk.... Sharing with people from Denmark, Cork and Waterford aged between 25 and 30. We are a friendly bunch who all get along well and we are looking for someone who is a professional, friendly and tidy between 20 and 35 to join the house. The house is busy but we all get along well... Facilities include Sky TV including sky sports, wireless broadband and phone from Eircom, the sitting room has a flat screen 32ins TV. The single room is not a box room and has a wardrobe and locker there is room for a desk... PLEASE NOTE SINGLE AVAILABLE 01/11, at 290/month with utility bills included.

It sounded so perfect - the whole community- family feel. Lately, I've been a little on the lonely side and wondering how I'll ever make friends. So, I'm really hoping and praying that this will be a good fit and I'll mesh well with them. When I went to visit, it felt right, and Audrey, the girl who lives there and who showed it to me said that they even sometimes all come together in the kitchen and play games and things. AH! How perfect. I'm just hoping I'll be able to really be myself with all of them and not feel too intimidated. Pray I can be a good witness of God's love and grace while I live there and to not be too shy or timid or feel small.

The other thing I'm hoping about is getting a job with a local day care. I put in my CV to one of the three locations today, and the lady named Lindsey was super kind and positive. She said since there were three locations there was most likely a chance of an opening and that they would call to set up an interview next week. WOW! ... Though, I've been feeling like people don't actually call when they say they will... but I actually feel qualified for this job, which is neat. A part of me doesn't want to Always Only be working with kids, but as I was passing out my CV to so many shops and restaurants and cafes and places, I got to thinking, as I lingered in a toy shop and saw some little kids walking past that I really enjoy being around kids more than trying to sell unnecessary items to adults. Besides, I like playing and making up stories and make believe worlds with kids. Also when I went today, the kids were all dressed up in their costumes for Halloween, and that totally won me over. Totally and completely. =) Plus I spotted some Legos in the window.

On another note, since the Covell's are going on vacation tomorrow morning, we made a schedule of things I was to accomplish while they were gone, which I'm certain will be very good for me, actually. If all things go as planned, I'm looking forward to what's ahead, indeed.

I got to talk with Patti the other day, maybe it was yesterday, in any case it was really encouraging because we were both (at least I was) telling each other what we ourselves needed to hear. haha. Anyway Romans 8 and 2 Co 12 were super encouraging. And even though I was kind of feeling discouraged and displaced and pressured to be a certain way, today was a good day, and I am hopeful for what else is to come. I'll leave you with Paul's words from Romans 8, because this is seriously powerful:

12Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. 13For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, 14because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. 15For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." 16The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. 17Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. 18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed....
26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

tea is so wonderfully calming

Today was cold.
This may or may not make sense to you, but lately I've been feeling like my thoughts are floating about a foot above my head in a red balloon that sways back and forth ever so slowly and only a little bit eerily.
This of course makes thinking clearly quite unclear.
I find it fantastic whenever I get the nerve to strike up a conversation with a stranger. I've noticed that there's a small window of opportunity that such an exchange can socially acceptably occur. Walking up to the bus, you take stock of the people also standing, waiting there; you briefly make eye contact and maybe nod your head as if to say, "yup we are waiting for the bus at the same time." That is when the flash moment occurs, when it is imperative to say Something, like, "nice weather we're having, huh?" or "Did the 66 bus come by, do you know?" or "are you headed into town?"

okay, I'm rather distracted, because Stacey and I are watching Clue. =)
so, the end for now.

the tipping point.

Hot chocolate comes in a clear pint sized mug and tastes more like a certain brand of chocolate milk that's been warmed up...
And for some reason or other, Irish people CANNOT (or do not, at any rate) pronounce their TH sounds. It's "T'anks a Million," and if they said it, I'm sure, "Tat's whut she said"... and "tirty-tree."
My favorite is how lyrical the accent is - like they're singin' to you all the time. I can hear it in my head when I think, and have noticed myself begin to talk with a slight brogue... except people can still tell that I'm not from around here. They still know. What's worse is often times they can't understand me.
I've been feeling like I'm in some strange play lately... rehearsing what to say before I talk to shop owners so that I say the right thing. It's made me a little on edge. Stacey's been great about sharing tid bits and things she's learned the past 7 years and what not... but I have this complex that I should do things like this or that, and that there's only one right way. I've been really self critical of myself, and haven't felt like I even know how to connect with peers and make friends with strangers - it's so different than at SPU where I could just go up to someone I'd see a few times and say, "Let's be friends," and we go skipping off to Gwinn hand in hand.
Today, it was super hard to leave the house, even though that was what I had planned to do and really what I needed to do. But I was so resistant to leave this cozy home. But feeling torn and slightly guilt ridden and overwhelmed, when Stacey got home from picking up Ethan, her youngest, she asked how I was doing and I more or less explained it all, which was hard in some ways, because I've been wanting to have things seem put together and not have to trouble anyone, you know. Plus, I honestly just met Stacey, Jon and all of them just a week ago Today! (which I just realized now) so as much as she asks how I am and as much as I know they all are safe and wanting me to thrive, it's still hard to express everything i'm thinking and feeling and be totally myself when I'm not sure I have been able to process everything completely or know them all that well yet. But all that to say, it was good to share my overwhelmed feelings with her, and she was encouraging and shared how hard it has been for her too, and how important it is to have grace for ourselves and be patient. That was good.
She offered to drive me to the bus stop, which was just the motivation I needed - a time frame that required me to leave my cozy penguin blanket on the couch, and head off to Maynooth (pronounced with a silent y) to inquire after jobs.
I got off where Stacey suggested, at the huge Tesco, which is basically a massive Fred Meyers complete with grocery store and everything else you could imagine. The lady said they weren't hiring, but she'd take my CV (or resume) anyway. I didn't have a staple to attach the cover letter and CV though, and she commented on it. so I was like - fail, oh fail.
exiting, I tried to figure out how to get to the main part of town. I was sure there was a way out to the east, trying to remember how we drove past it last time we were in town and Stacey drove. I walked to the end of the sidewalk where there Should Have Been an exit, but there wasn't one, just a gate where employees toss the trash and feeling more than awkward I wandered like a lost child around the parking lot, trying desperately to hold back tears. every where I thought was the way to go turned out to be not an exit, all barred off with a gate. I was literally closed in, and felt utterly trapped in so many ways. This was the breaking point. I've been wondering in what shape it would come. Okay, getting lost in a parking lot. It was actually miserable. I tried really hard not to just burst in tears right there, because it seemed like the silliest thing to say, "um how do I get out of here? ... um, where is the main village?" goodness I felt like a bumbling child.
Eventually, what probably took a shorter time than it felt then, I figured it out and saw a tall cathedral type building in the distance, to the west... but that feeling of being trapped and displaced is really strong, like the taste of garlic (which I had some garlic toast for lunch today and can still taste it in my mouth, so it's quite an appropriate simile, really) so I was quite tender most of the time I was in Maynooth. Most of the places I asked about weren't too enthusiastic about hiring anyone, so that was a little discouraging. However, I went to a cafe and got a hot chocolate and journaled out my heart to God and realized a bunch of things... mostly how lonely I've been, and how ironic it is that I thought I'd come to Ireland to help other people who felt lonely... wow was it humbling to realize I was the one in need. It's times like these, where there's so many new things coming at me and I'm way out of my comfort zone, that I'm having to depend on God so much, which is good and hard.
At the cafe one of the workers talked to me though, which I am pretty sure I noticeably lit up about. It made me so glad.
The bus system is grand, since they're fun double decker busses and you can see really beautiful things all around while driving. I love it. The only problem is that at the individual bus stops away from the city, there is no list of when the bus will come, so I ended up waiting for a half hour twice today. I keep remembering how blessed I am to be here though. Riding the bus back and looking out at the gorgeous green fields and lovely trees and expressive sky, I was so thankful to be there. Then walking home, I kind of realized that even if, and even though this year is going to be so hard, I will miss it once I'm gone, that was just a good reminder for me to enjoy this time I have and to keep calling on God to surround me in a cloud.

Squeezed Out

I keep thinking in an Irish accent, which is kind of happy.
It hits me once in a while: what am I doing here, so far from home?
Sometimes I feel like Dorothy. This isn't Kansas, or black and white or Washington for that matter... But it is still just as green as Seattle... and often I'm sort of tricked into thinking that it's all the same - same weather, same language, same, same, same... with their motorways and shopping centers.
With all that there is that I need to get done ... find a place to live, find a job, get a bank account (which is Much harder than one would think!!), get an immigration card, and a pps# (like a social security card) and then there's the whole matter of raising support, and and And I can't just sit here, but I'm finding it hard to find my footing and keep it.
You know when there's so much to say and think and tell everyone, that there's just no way I (or anyone for that matter) could squeeze it all out so that it's even half-way intelligible to anyone else... I don't know if I can squeeze anything else out of my toothpaste tube, is what I'm saying... but i'm trying so I can have metaphorically fresh breath.
I haven't cried yet, and I find that a little amazing.
This is the most overwhelmed I've felt while being here, mostly I think because I don't have the legitimate excuse of having jet lag as much anymore. There's so many decisions that I have to make, and they will greatly affect the rest of my time here in Ireland. What I need most is prayer - for motivation to pursue jobs and find the "right" place to live, and to keep pressing on, keep moving even when I feel like it's rather too hard for me. Pray that I'll make friends too - Stacey says it takes longer here, but it's hard to be patient. And pray I can be confident and not so hesitant to always say or do or be perfect here... there's that tendency for me to be silent rather than speak up and say something in the wrong way. At the same time, there are some subtle differences here, and I want to be culturally sensitive. 
Also, the family I'm staying with, the Covells, they're going on their family vacation on Saturday. they'll be gone for a week, and I have to admit, I have been really depending on them, as I would my own family, which has been really nice, but it's also set the stage for me to depend on someone else. Having them gone will be it's only culture shock where I'll Have to be more independent and navigate on my own, so that I don't end up merely treading water for a week.
I wish I could have been more eloquent and speak in beautiful lyrics of how much I love it here, because I really do, or tell stories of my adventures in Dublin and all the fascinating things i've learned about Dublin's history and their recent developments, or about the couple of people I was able to spend time with, or about BUNAC orientation, or what double decker busses are like or more about the Covells... I think at this point I can only barely mention chapter titles, since nothing else is able to be squeezed out, and I feel too embarrassed to go on more about how displaced I feel.
deep breath. I suppose it's too late to talk about how much I like it here, because I do. I guess I've also just been the sort to feel far too many things all at once.
That'll have to do for now.

A prayer on a plane, moving many miles above the earth.

I thought this day would never come. Yet here I am, on the plane. I tried so hard, all those times, to imagine: what would this feel like? (Papa, is there a reason you put me next to this self-absorbed fella?)
Ireland. I'm going to Ireland!! ah!
God, I know I'm going to miss my mom and dad and sisters and dog and friends and everything here a lot - but help me to focus on what's now. here.
The sun has already begun to set. And I'm glad my wish didn't come true - I'm glad time kept going. Papa God, I trust you. And I'm so thankful. So blessed by a loving family and truly wonderful friends who I'm going to miss. But thank you, God for all those gifts - missing means that there was something good.
Good bye Seattle. I'm still so amazed that this is actually happening. I love you, Lord.

That loomin' list.

So, there are a few things that I'd like to get done before Monday morning happens... but the time is passing all too quickly.
1) clean out my Cora and vacuum her of pesky cherios dropped from grubby children's hands... since my mama's going to be driving it once I leave.
2) finish varnishing the paintings I didn't have the heart to sell off.
3) print off pictures (from Costco) of this past year and pictures of my paintings to take with me.
4) talk with my sister and anna marie and danny and armin and joy and...
5) say good bye to Mukilteo, say good bye to Seattle.
6) set aside time to read God's Word.
7) go to both my churches... BPC and MPC
8) breathe in deeply and exhale.
9) leave my room in an acceptable if not a clean condition.
10) buy a new camera and baby moleskin journals (not made from baby moles' skins though... sick!)
11) be packed, completely...
(12) [it would also be super cool to be able to put together my art portfolio - but that means getting my painting pictures back and printed and into some sort of portfolio, obviously] hm.
13) spend enough time cuddling with my pup, snuggling with mama, and spending time with the dad and chatting with the Amy.
14) send thank you notes & finish addressing support letters.
15) sleep.

All Strewn About

With clothes draped every which way around my room, I have begun to pack.
Dresses and folded shirts and rolled up pants... 
My heart is in fairly the same condition, with thoughts and feelings and memories and anticipations strewn every which way inside the room of my heart.
People have also begun to ask me if I'm ready or not... as if we were playing a game of hide and seek or something:
Ready or not, here comes a plateful of change.
More accurately, I'm not sure if I'm ready... which is also a strange place to be in.
I think a lot about this past year, and about all the fears and prayers that I invested into what I hoped would happen once I graduated, and here I am: on the brink of an amazing journey. My hopes and dreams are actually coming true. This is actually happening.
I remember many times Winter and Spring quarters where I described my state as being, "on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off into the unknown, with only a wobbly hope that God would catch me in the end." What's more, more than ever, I feel I am approaching closer and closer to when I'll jump off that cliff, and I am also more than ever reassured that God has already been preparing a way for me, and been holding me this whole time.
In many ways, I felt like I had pushed my way into becoming a missionary with GEM, and one of my fears was that I might be imposing on them or just going by my own sheer will. But then to hear that the missionaries in Dublin and the staff at GEM headquarters were wonderfully excited for me to come and be apart of them... I was absolutely relieved.
There have been several moments in my life when I've declared, "God, if this works out, there is no way that I could have done this on my own; it must be You working."
It seems to me that God actually wants to incorporate our passions and desires and talents and gifts and weave them into His will. I've come to conclude that it was Him who inspired me to push as I did to be apart of GEM, that it was His thought for me all along.
On my last day of work, I showed Kyra where I was going on the inflatable globe (that we sometimes would throw back and forth). "WE are here," I would say, pointing to the left-hand corner of the green United States. "And I'm going to fly Alllll the way ohhver Here!" pointing to the small, yellow island that was Ireland. Then she would try it. I'm not sure if she really got it, because after Ireland she would jump me into the Huge yellow land mass that was China and then off to the North Pole. I'm not sure if I really get it either, except that I've begun to pack, and I'm down to less than a week left.
My art auction went well. The saying goodbye to so many people all at once part was overwhelming, but the food was good and I love my friends, and am happy that many of them left with pieces of my soul in painting form. I am so thankful for how many people are being supportive; I'm going to greatly need prayers, because transitions and feeling successful at what I do is hard for me sometimes.
At Bethany Pres, someone interpreted God's words that had spilled off of someone else's tongue: I Am Your Redeemer. I Love You. Your Debt Is Paid.
I let the tears spill out of me, because my heart needed to hear that so much.