the tipping point.

Hot chocolate comes in a clear pint sized mug and tastes more like a certain brand of chocolate milk that's been warmed up...
And for some reason or other, Irish people CANNOT (or do not, at any rate) pronounce their TH sounds. It's "T'anks a Million," and if they said it, I'm sure, "Tat's whut she said"... and "tirty-tree."
My favorite is how lyrical the accent is - like they're singin' to you all the time. I can hear it in my head when I think, and have noticed myself begin to talk with a slight brogue... except people can still tell that I'm not from around here. They still know. What's worse is often times they can't understand me.
I've been feeling like I'm in some strange play lately... rehearsing what to say before I talk to shop owners so that I say the right thing. It's made me a little on edge. Stacey's been great about sharing tid bits and things she's learned the past 7 years and what not... but I have this complex that I should do things like this or that, and that there's only one right way. I've been really self critical of myself, and haven't felt like I even know how to connect with peers and make friends with strangers - it's so different than at SPU where I could just go up to someone I'd see a few times and say, "Let's be friends," and we go skipping off to Gwinn hand in hand.
Today, it was super hard to leave the house, even though that was what I had planned to do and really what I needed to do. But I was so resistant to leave this cozy home. But feeling torn and slightly guilt ridden and overwhelmed, when Stacey got home from picking up Ethan, her youngest, she asked how I was doing and I more or less explained it all, which was hard in some ways, because I've been wanting to have things seem put together and not have to trouble anyone, you know. Plus, I honestly just met Stacey, Jon and all of them just a week ago Today! (which I just realized now) so as much as she asks how I am and as much as I know they all are safe and wanting me to thrive, it's still hard to express everything i'm thinking and feeling and be totally myself when I'm not sure I have been able to process everything completely or know them all that well yet. But all that to say, it was good to share my overwhelmed feelings with her, and she was encouraging and shared how hard it has been for her too, and how important it is to have grace for ourselves and be patient. That was good.
She offered to drive me to the bus stop, which was just the motivation I needed - a time frame that required me to leave my cozy penguin blanket on the couch, and head off to Maynooth (pronounced with a silent y) to inquire after jobs.
I got off where Stacey suggested, at the huge Tesco, which is basically a massive Fred Meyers complete with grocery store and everything else you could imagine. The lady said they weren't hiring, but she'd take my CV (or resume) anyway. I didn't have a staple to attach the cover letter and CV though, and she commented on it. so I was like - fail, oh fail.
exiting, I tried to figure out how to get to the main part of town. I was sure there was a way out to the east, trying to remember how we drove past it last time we were in town and Stacey drove. I walked to the end of the sidewalk where there Should Have Been an exit, but there wasn't one, just a gate where employees toss the trash and feeling more than awkward I wandered like a lost child around the parking lot, trying desperately to hold back tears. every where I thought was the way to go turned out to be not an exit, all barred off with a gate. I was literally closed in, and felt utterly trapped in so many ways. This was the breaking point. I've been wondering in what shape it would come. Okay, getting lost in a parking lot. It was actually miserable. I tried really hard not to just burst in tears right there, because it seemed like the silliest thing to say, "um how do I get out of here? ... um, where is the main village?" goodness I felt like a bumbling child.
Eventually, what probably took a shorter time than it felt then, I figured it out and saw a tall cathedral type building in the distance, to the west... but that feeling of being trapped and displaced is really strong, like the taste of garlic (which I had some garlic toast for lunch today and can still taste it in my mouth, so it's quite an appropriate simile, really) so I was quite tender most of the time I was in Maynooth. Most of the places I asked about weren't too enthusiastic about hiring anyone, so that was a little discouraging. However, I went to a cafe and got a hot chocolate and journaled out my heart to God and realized a bunch of things... mostly how lonely I've been, and how ironic it is that I thought I'd come to Ireland to help other people who felt lonely... wow was it humbling to realize I was the one in need. It's times like these, where there's so many new things coming at me and I'm way out of my comfort zone, that I'm having to depend on God so much, which is good and hard.
At the cafe one of the workers talked to me though, which I am pretty sure I noticeably lit up about. It made me so glad.
The bus system is grand, since they're fun double decker busses and you can see really beautiful things all around while driving. I love it. The only problem is that at the individual bus stops away from the city, there is no list of when the bus will come, so I ended up waiting for a half hour twice today. I keep remembering how blessed I am to be here though. Riding the bus back and looking out at the gorgeous green fields and lovely trees and expressive sky, I was so thankful to be there. Then walking home, I kind of realized that even if, and even though this year is going to be so hard, I will miss it once I'm gone, that was just a good reminder for me to enjoy this time I have and to keep calling on God to surround me in a cloud.