Blessed.

Yesterday, after my one shift at Costa, I bought an umbrella, which was really a big deal for me. It's blue and has birds flying and swooping across it. After living in Seattle my whole life and then moving to Ireland, I had yet to buy or own my own umbrella until yesterday. It was a big day.

Today I worshipped God with my church, and during tea and coffee time, I dreamt with some friends about making a bakery that serves home made pastries and baked goods from Every nation... "it would be like Heaven!" I exclaimed excitedly. "All Nations, feasting together!" I think I was so overcome, I jumped at least thrice. (what comes after thrice? My housemate, Connor asked me today... frice?)

The day before yesterday, I painted AT LAST, Again, and it felt so much like breathing for the first time in a month that I could barely believe it.

Today, I let myself cry for a long time on the couch with my journal and a soft, fluffy duvet and a lovely smelling candle and God's arms cradling me and my music seeping gently into my soul. It was beautiful, muchly needed, and more of a release than anything you should be concerned about.

The day before yesterday, my housemate Amy took me grocery shopping because it was overcast out. I love going anywhere with her, but I especially enjoy grocery shopping because she'll suggest things I could try, and my life is so much more Irish because of my dear housemates. This past month, I have purchased only the absolutely necessary of items; I lived off of bread and eggs (which I got for under 2 euros) for quite some time; or bagels and cream cheese... you might call this: survival mode. But it was so wonderful to pick out food the other day.. a couple weeks' worth for only 30 euros or so! And coming back from the store, she and I were so delighted to feast in our fresh food! 

Many times in my life, I have been overcome with love for the people in my life, and I almost wonder, is it possible to care so deeply for people and appreciate and want the best for them, for so many people? I know I've said it before, but I love my housemates more than I expected I could. God has been so good to know exactly what I needed. And it was so clearly a gift. And I love my dear traveling friends whom I met through USIT - people who have come alongside me, all of us so battered by being far from home, and all of us leaning on each other and standing together (though often it's that we're caught in the rain). How absolutely blessed am I! And then a third community I find myself lathered in love for and by are my church community; I have seen without a doubt the tangible body of Christ in the most beautiful ways through Maynooth Community Church.

While in Paris, Amy Garden my Aussie USIT friend asked me to pick one word to describe how I wanted this coming year to be characterized by. I chose the word Blessed, with the hope of being a blessing to others and to remember how blessed I am just to be in Ireland... This past month I have been undoubtedly covered in a thick layering of God's blessing and love from others (like the tastiest frosting atop a dainty cup cake... not the gross sort of frosting mind you, but the best sort you could even try to imagine!). 

I have also been overwhelmed, to the point of tears, to the point of utter confusion and even to the point of feeling the acidic taste of despair dripping down my throat, deep into the rest of my insides...

How is it possible to be so covered in blessings, and yet completely not deserve them?

I'm not sure what your opinion of me is... And chances are, I have at some point probably worried about it, or strived to have my reputation be that of an innocent, sweet, caring, adorably naive young woman - wanting with all her heart to follow after God. And that IS who I am, but my expectations, and probably your expectations for who I am have been shaken up, as rudely and abruptly and possibly as carelessly as some shake 'n bake chicken procedure.

I have the deepest desires to be wanted and loved and to belong to someone... And in a place and time where my vulnerability was heightened, and my need to be known, to be accepted, to be desired was most felt, I jumped in so, so eagerly, and put everything else aside in a basket, to be sorted through later.  I say these things, and realize that these themselves are not bad or to be despised.. The need to be loved, even to be held and cherished is the sincerest need of us all, I should think. And there's such a sweetness in sharing your heart with someone who you deem worthy of letting in close. 

Yet there's all this shame, all this self-induced hurt now, all crumpled up and gushing out in bursts of muddy water. There has been such a back and forth sweetness mixed in with the salt of getting caught, and being found missing (quite literally!). All resulting in this culminating moment: waving goodbye at a bus stop, on a lonely street in the queasy few hours before dawn... I stood there, so alone, with no one to smile down at me and hold my hand. I stood there, not sure if this was a movie or a dream, or someone else I was viewing from strange binoculars... And then the next culminating moment: sitting at a kitchen table I had been acquainted with for 3 months then, and hearing (as if announced by some safari guide) the fork ahead of me, where the road splits off: stay with Greater Europe Mission and undergo Restoration through counseling, leaving Ireland in 2 weeks' time and not to return in this year, or resign from GEM and stay in Ireland if I so desired.

I was given 24 hours to decide which path to take.

With all the decisions I've had to make, one of the hardest for sure, was to resign from Greater Europe Mission and serve God without the title, without the pressure, without any bubbling pride in me... and without the support of a lot of dear people, emotionally, spiritually and financially. In so many ways the decision didn't seem fair - couldn't there be a third option? Couldn't I still serve where I am and go through counseling here, and seek to be transformed here?... The answer was no. All my efforts all my fears of failing, and here is seems I had indeed done just that. so it seemed, so it seemed, so it seemed, as I cried out, God, "Lord! What have I done?" Yet also as I wondered, was it really that bad, that disgraceful?

And so you can see my pride - it's floating down the river, like Peter Pan's disconnected shadow. I understand perfectly well: There is no way I deserve Grace, No Way I deserve God's love. No way I can do this on my own. And I wondered too, if God would revoke his provision and rip any blessings from me. I felt like surely, his love would lessen because of my imperfection. But, as my pastor kindly asserted: does that mean if you hadn't done made these decisions you Would have deserved God's love, that you had done some good thing to be awarded his grace? Yet didn't you just read about all those thousands of beautiful flowers God's planted in my life? Don't you see them in your life too? Like little bright flashes of color lighting up in your heart every time you think of them - those blessings are so life-giving, and so undeserved. So Undeserved. 

So here I am laid out before your throne, Lord - Here's all of me, all my thoughts and wounds and with memories trying so hard to cling to me. Here're my longings, here're my wishes. Here's who I want to be, here's who I have actually been; here's my feelings of being a failure: I confess that I'm an embarrassed mess. And here's my talents, my desire to bring YOU glory, my need to be cherished, my intense love for people, my love for Ireland, my delight of you.
To you, O God, I lift my soul; in utter worship, I praise you, my soul bowed before the Only one who deserves the glory - O, Lord - how easily we can sell ourselves back into slavery, back into what you have already redeemed us from. But the Giver is worth praising not the gifts.

A week ago, it was.. I felt confirmed that I made the right decision to stay in Ireland. And I feel God using and transforming me here in this house, in this little village of Leixlip, in beautiful Ireland. And knowing that I'm truly choosing to be here, and truly wanting to stay because of the people because of God's calling on my life... I have possibly at last - maybe not certainly forever, but for now anyway - I have felt a renewed sense of belonging here, of feeling at home here.

This is my story. This is my song. Praising my savior, all the day long...

I have seen my faith in God actually at work, you know - when it really mattered, the Holy Spirit was there to twist cords of strength and joy and peace around me. And even in the wilderness of feeling outcasted and afraid for the future, God was there in a pillar of fire, guiding my steps. And scripture has come alive to me - words I've read hundreds of times, became the anchor, absolutely true, and absolutely practical to thriving and setting aside my anxiety in exchange for a peace that passes all understanding.

And in a funny way, I feel that I Have gone through Restoration here in Ireland, through God's redeeming and unconditional and perfect love, through His beautiful Church surrounding and listening and encouraging me, and through being able to still be used by God and be a blessing to those around me... it has happened not through running away or minimizing my faults, but in seeing how in our weakness God is abundantly strong!

I am overwhelmed with how deeply blessed, indeed, I am.