Chapter 3: Starting Over

I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid in my dear Grace and Jordan's, wedding Right Now. Instead, I’m laying on my bed at 10pm, wishing I was in a different time zone and typing this and trying not to cry as I pray for their wedding to be beautiful and their marriage a testament of true love, which I have all certainty it will and is already. =)

There comes a point (I decided some time ago on the bus) when our expectations of the future and reality meet up, and we’re faced with the choice to abandon the dreams we had for a time, a place, a relationship, or an event and ask God to reveal the beauty in the reality that we are currently held in, instead of living in a counterfeit world.

I can see how God has blessed me and is using my time here: He gave me 2 jobs, and the right place to live, and the support of Jon and Stacey, and a whole, wonderful group of friends to get to know with USIT.

For some reason though, most mornings I’ve been waking up with this terribly debilitating weight of despair: missing home, missing everything familiar, and people who know me, feeling like I’ve made so many mistakes at work, and had such a hard time adjusting to being foreign and far away.

I know though, I Know, that God’s grace is enough. And I know that I’m only here for a season, and I Know that there are so many good things in my reality here in Ireland. And I know that there is a very specific purpose for being here. And I know that it is in the very difficult times, the lonely and frustrating and broken times that we grow the most and are shaped and refined, which is beautiful.

This Tuesday will mark my 3-month anniversary in Ireland, which seems fitting because this begins a new chapter in my journey here in Ireland. On Wednesday my friends Jessica, Amy, Kristie, Lauren, Alyssa and I are going on a trip to Paris for 6 days. We’re all so excited! =) It’ll be my first time on The Continent, and I’m really looking forward to the art museums, baguettes, charming walks, and all the other Parisian icons, besides a chance to bond more with my new, dear friends. =)

I also enter this new chapter (once again) unemployed. And that is cause for some distress. It is only temporary, because I have my waitressing job at the Liffey Valley Hotel in March when the wedding season picks up again. But I had quite a discouraging review with my manager from Costa Coffee, which I am embarrassed to report left me with one shift a week there and a very bruised ego. Her negative and harsh words still sting, and make me want to guard and defend myself and deflect the blame and do everything I can so that I look okay in the end. The labels, “Failure” and “Incapable” dig deep into me though, and I have been trying to focus on seeing the truth in her statements in how to improve, and to realize maybe this isn’t what I’m best at, and to grow from it instead of being paralyzed by the pressure to be excellent at everything. I am looking for more work, but we’ll see what will happen.

As a result of this turn of events, I have been forced to seek God’s opinion of me, and to secure myself in His love and grace for imperfect people. My journal is scrawled over and over again with, “Lord, help me, Lord, I need you, Lord… be my everything.” If nothing else I know that the only way I am here in Ireland at all, (and am still in Ireland) is because of God’s provision and kindness and presence here with me.

The Lord Gives and the Lord takes away, and blessed be the Lord, Almighty!